Unreal 2 Parody
by legendslayer222
Summary: John Dalton, the mini-minded ex Marine, sets off on his quest to recover the artefacts. But nothing is what it seems, even the artefacts, and it all is full of bad puns...
1. Avalon: Learning Nothing

_This was worth a shot. It will be terrible and has probably been done before but better. What would be useful is somewhere with the whole of Unreal 2's script (hint hint… Know any good sites?)._

_As usual, all stuff is owned by Legend Entertainment, blah blah blah…_

-----

Dalton's ship slowly flew to Avalon. Hawkins was staring out of the window as the door behind him quietly opened. John Dalton crept up behind Hawkins on tiptoe.

"COMMANDER HAWKINS, SIR!" Dalton yelled.

"Jesus Christ John, don't sneak up on me like that!" Hawkins said. He spilt his coffee on the floor, promptly slipping on it and smashing his head into the desk.

A hologram on the desk activated, showing Hawkins. "I thought you might knock me unconscious so I made this pre recorded-message." The hologram said. "Let's get right to the point. Your request for reinstatement in the marines has been denied… Again. I know you're disappointed, but Drexler personally gave me this T shirt for you."

A compartment on the desk opened and a T shirt with the words _I'm a Wannabe marine!_ and a picture of a rifle on it fell out. Dalton pocketed this and turned back to the hologram.

"When you return to your ship, you'll have a new pilot, a Hex-Core alien named Ne'Ban. We got him in an officer exchange program. Yes, I know what you done to your last pilot. He didn't appreciate that trip out of the windows up here to the ground below."

Dalton edgily looked at the window to the left, which was smashed open from a brutal incident with a pilot who refused to take Isaac and Dalton to a beach party. "No need to remind me about it." Dalton groaned.

"Stow it Dalton." The hologram said.

"You're a pre-recorded message, you can't tell me to stow it!" Dalton practically yelled. "You don't even know what you were telling me to stow! I might have even been COMPLIMENTING your fine work!"

Dalton was so busy ranting he ended up slipping over on Hawkins' coffee and smashing his head into the desk.

-----

When Dalton woke up, the real Hawkins was looking piteously at him. "Do you want to take the training run or get back to your ship?" He asked.

"Training…run?" Dalton dazedly muttered.

"All right. Dismissed." Hawkins said as a bulky marine hoisted Dalton up and lugged him into the elevator.

-----

By the time the elevator reached the bottom, Dalton was feeling much more like himself. He boldly got out of the elevator to face Raff.

"Oh my god!!!" Dalton yelled. "It's you! I haven't seen you since high school!"

"How have you been?" Raff said, high-fiving Dalton. Dalton walked into the next room.

Raff's voice echoed from an old radio. "Welcome to my crib- I mean, the Avalon training centre. The course is lined with old fashioned police radios, so I'll be with you all the way. Now wait a second, while I take a scan."

Denton had a moth-moment as the pretty scanning light washed over him. He almost walked up to the scanner in an attempt to absorb the glow. Suddenly the scan stopped and Denton looked back at the radio.

"Sensors indicate you're wearing XA/F power armour and a wannabe marine T shirt. Let me dig up those specs. Ah, here they are." A photo of Dalton's armour came up. "Not bad. The XA/F series isn't the toughest battle armour available, but it's pretty damn versatile. Underwater capable. Rechargeable shields. Non-stick coating. Score one for the good old Terran Colonial Authority. Let's take a look at your HUD. Health and shield indicators are in the upper left. Ammo indicators are upper right…"

Raff's droning seemed to go on forever. Dalton wasn't even listening to Raff by now; he was looking at a small insect climbing up the wall.

"Marshall, are you listening to me?" Raff asked. Two options flashed up on Dalton's HUD, _"Yes Raff."_ And _"No, you're way too boring."_

"Woah! Where did those options come from?!" Dalton yelled.

"If you had been listening to me, you would know." Raff said. "Onto the next stage."

Dalton did some jumping over blocks. "All right, now crouch down and crawl under these blocks. Don't worry. I won't let 'em drop any further." Dalton crawled in the gap between two blocks. "AND YOU FELL FOR IT!" Raff laughed. The bottom block dropped down and Dalton was plunged into the shooting range.

"Oh damn it, shooting range… I meant it to end up in the shark pit. We all make mistakes…" Raff sighed. "Anyway, first range, Dispersion Pistol. Then it's the CAR and then the grenade launcher." The first tray opened revealing an organic looking green weapon. "Joking again, this isn't the Dispersion Pistol, it's the singularity cannon. You're not meant to get it until the Kai go haywire and Hawkins goes mad."

"I don't know what the hell you're on about Raff." Dalton said, picking up the Singularity cannon. He shot it at the cardboard targets. It went through them and the wall behind them. Dalton, still carrying the gun, went through the hole it had caused.

"I will stop you!" The real Raff said, who happened to be behind the hole. Dalton tore him up with the singularity cannon and went back into the main elevator.

In the elevator, Dalton realised he had killed an old school chum. He rode right to the top, and jumped off the tower. He was saved by the body of his old pilot on the ground below.

Dalton, being too lazy to ride up to the top again, he went back to his drop ship.


	2. Atlantis: In Need Of Oil

_Here goes nothing…_

-----

The hatch in the Atlantis opened and the drop ship went into the drop ship room on a slow moving platform. It stopped halfway.

"Aida?" Dalton asked.

"I thought I told Isaac to oil that platform or it'll just keep getting stuck." Aida said. "Isaac, get your ass over here!"

Isaac came in with a small oil tank and applied it to the hinges on the platform, then he left. The platform came up as it should.

"First Officer Aida returning command of the ship to you, sir. Ship's Engineer Isaac is running around oiling things, and Ship's Pilot Ne'Ban has the con."

"It's good to be back." Dalton said.

"Really? I thought you enjoyed playing soldiers with your pal Hawkins." Aida commented.

"Not as fun as it looks." Dalton replied, "I had to salute him three times, then salute his hologram twelve times, say 'Sir, yes Sir!' at the end of half my sentences, and Drexler didn't even make me a marine."

"But he gave you a T shirt?" Aida said.

"Oh yeah…" Dalton said blushing, realising he was wearing the wannabe marine T shirt over the top of his armour.

"While you were docking, we received a distress call from the Elara star system." Aida said.

"That was quick. And while I was docking, no-one was even in your office to receive the distress call!" Dalton jeered. "You and Isaac were over here!"

"Shut up Dalton." Aida said through gritted teeth. "Anyway, we're already en route. Would you like to take an inspection tour of the ship and meet our new pilot, or go right to the briefing room for the mission?"

Two options flicked onto the side of Dalton's vision, and he still wasn't use to this. Dalton swung his fist up to knock away the choices, but only succeeded in whacking himself in the face, getting himself a black eye.

"It will be another three months before the onboard medic returns from Severnaya." Aida said before Dalton asked. "For now you can wear a pirate's eye patch."

Dalton decided to do a tour of the ship, and went up to meet Ne'Ban. Before he entered the bridge, he could here Ne'Ban going "I do not need oiling Isaac!"

"Sure you do!" Isaac growled.

Dalton ran into the room to see Isaac trying to drown Ne'Ban with oil. "Stop this!" Dalton yelled, shooting Isaac in the leg with his Dispersion Pistol.

"The runt was trying to steal my DVD collection!" Isaac said, hopping around on one foot and spilling oil all over the floor.

"Isaac, clean up that oil." Dalton demanded.

"The ship's efficiency went over up 20% with that oiling." Ne'Ban said, but Isaac had already left in search of a mop.

"Hello, new pilot." Dalton said. "One thing you need to know… If I wish to go to a beach party, you don't stop me."

"Aye-aye-aye Sir." Ne'Ban said.

"Now, what was it like where you came from?" Dalton asked curiously.

"Sorry captain, I am occupied territory. Perhaps some other time?" Ne'Ban said.

"But you have hardly said anything!" Dalton replied.

"Sorry captain, I am occupied territory. Perhaps some other time?"

"Are you ignoring me?!" Dalton replied exasperatedly.

"Sorry captain, I am occupied territory. Perhaps some other time?"

"Fine. Press your stupid buttons on the control panel and fly us safely to Sanctuary. See if I care." Dalton angrily strode out of the room. A pause. Then:

"Sorry captain, I am occupied territory. Perhaps some other time?"

-----

"We're headed for Sanctuary, the fifth planet in the Elara System. It's an earth-style world with a dense jungle covering. It's currently uninhabited, except for a Liandri mining operation." Aida stopped talking as Dalton put his hand up like a school boy in class. "Yes, Dalton?"

"Who are Liandri?" Dalton asked quietly.

Aida stared blankly at Dalton. "Are you joking?"

Dalton shook his head.

"Liandri is the universes largest mining corporation, and you FORGOT?!?" Aida yelled.

"In my defence I didn't play the first _Unreal Tournament_ game so I don't have a bloody clue." Dalton said.

"Moving on to the distress call." Aida said, activating a distress call from her keyboard.

"Mayday! Mayday! This is the Liandri Station Lima Six on Sanctuary. We're in trouble down here. The facility has been overrun by hostile aliens. We don't know what the hell they are or where they came from. Multiple casualties. Please assist! Oh, and if you have any hamburger relish, bring that as well! My burger isn't the same without it!" The message said.

"That's it. I don't know who is attacking them or why, or if it has anything to do with burgers. Let's look at the main base in the holotank." A hologram building popped up. "The Liandri complex has two components. The ore processing unit grinds up the rocks and extracts precious minerals. This bit here is the McDonalds where they must have got the burger." Aida tapped some more buttons. "Here is the nearest entrance from your drop point. Good luck down there. Isaac should be waiting across the hall to do your weapons load out. If not, you'll probably find him in his cabin sleeping one off, or trying again to assassinate Ne'Ban. I'll be right here if you have any further questions."

"Well I do have one question." Dalton asked. "You still haven't told me what Liandri is."

"IT'S A MINING CORPORATION!" Aida yelled, throwing coffee over Dalton. Dalton screamed like a banshee and ran from the room.

-----

"…Very effective overall - you can hose down an area with primary fire, or deliver a single lethal punch with the alt-fire." Isaac said, stoking the cold metallic surface of a Combat Assault Rifle like it was a cat. Maybe he needed a CARcat.

"By the way, do you have a singularity cannon for my mission?" Dalton asked.

"No." Isaac said slowly, "You shouldn't even know about them until they fall off the Tosc's arms."

"I have a feeling that I'm not meant to know about that gun at this stage." Dalton said. "But it was so cool! It went Brooowm-Kashoooom as I shot at someone! Then the person went 'AAAHH!!' as they exploded with a PI-PEUUUUUW noise!!"

"Right. Whatever you say boss." Isaac said, shoving Dalton out of his office.

Dalton got into his drop ship, making sure the crate of hamburger relish was secure, and flew over to Sanctuary.


	3. Sanctuary: Be Scary, Dude

_I don't know how many people have actually read this far into the story, but I hope you enjoy it!_

-----

There were bodies everywhere and cockroaches scuttling between them. Someone's head was stuck on an Izarian Shock Lance. An Izarian was repeatedly stabbing another man to death.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing?" Another Izarian asked the first one.

"Killing- this- man." The Izarian said in between stabbings.

"Why? We're more civilized than this game makes out you know." The second Izarian queried.

"But the games only fun if we're enemies, so do something scary." The first one said.

"Sure, scary… Uh… Raar?"

"You call that scary?" The first one said. "Make some creepy monkey sounds or something."

Dalton's drop ship descended, and the second Izarian shot at it. It did nothing.

"Run, our crappy Izarian bolts do nothing against his awesome drop ship!" The second one said, while running away.

"Get back here you coward!" The first one said, closely pursuing. By the time the drop ship landed the courtyard was empty.

"I thought I saw some aliens." Dalton said, edgily gripping his CAR. The first thing he noticed is that he couldn't pick the goddam Shock Lance. He went through the ahead door.

"Thank god! Help me!" A man said as he was dragged under a door. Dalton slowly went to the door, and pressed the switch it fizzed with steam. Dalton passed some more corpses. An Izarian ran past him.

"I can't take it!" Dalton whispered, bursting into tears. He collapsed into a heap on the floor. He dropped CAR.

"Dalton! Dalton!" What's happening?!" Aida yelled through the radio.

"So scary…" Dalton sobbed. "All the bodies… Those creatures… Will they eat me..."

Dalton banged his fists on the ground.

"For god's sake, Dalton! No wonder they kicked you out of the marines!!" Aida yelled.

This comment made Dalton angry. "I'll show Drexler!" He strode into the next room where there was someone standing up and swaying gently. "Someone _is_ alive!" Dalton said, running forwards.

Dalton thought the man was going to run over to him, but instead he just collapsed face first into the ground. With sick realisation, Dalton realised the man had been dead all the time, and was just being propped up by an Izarian. About twenty Izarians swarmed over to Dalton, shooting blue laser bolts. Dalton screamed and shot his CAR at anything that moved.

In fact he just shot it at anything and everything because his eyes were closed in fear. When he opened them, he was in a room full of dead Izarians and blue blood. He picked up some of the Shock Lances as a radio activated.

"…get this thing working. I doubt it'll work. I mean come on, who has ever heard of someone broadcasting messages through McDonalds' speakers." Said the voice of the person from the distress call.

"Yes, I can hear you." Dalton replied.

"This reminds me of that time I was eight and I nicked my dad's police helicopter and tried to do a news report on the radio…"

The man was obviously oblivious to the fact he was broadcasting. The system was one way, so he couldn't here Dalton's reply.

"…Then the helicopter blades chopped off my clothes and I was flying stark naked over the city--" The man had just realised he was broadcasting. "Hey wait, I'm broadcasting! Sir! Up here! The camera! I'm watching you on the security network. Oh, and I suppose you heard my childhood story? I can explain, it was a joke! Ha ha! Yes, that didn't really happen to me…"

"Is the system two-way? Can you hear me?" Dalton said.

"Don't bother talking back. The system's only one-way. I won't hear you." The man said on radio.

"Glad we cleared this up." Dalton sighed

"Boy am I glad to see you. TCA, wow! I wasn't sure anyone got my distress call except Ronald McDonald! I'm Danny Miller, level one technician. I hope you're here to rescue me, 'cause there's no way I'm getting out on my own. Everyone I see on the security cameras is dead, except the ones you'll meet later in the level. I'm barricaded in a security office over in the generator building. You'll have to go through the collection plant to get here, though. Hmmm... The main route is blocked. How inconvenient for you! Hold on, I'll open the hatches to the sewer tunnels. It's a short swim. There's a camera on the other side, so I'll see you when you come up."

Two hatches opened. They were full of murky water. Dalton jumped in and swam through. Weird, his breathing seemed to be getting harder, and not just because he was swimming.

"How's your suit pressure?" Aida asked.

"Fine, except my breathing is tricky. Ever heard the expression 'Blood is thicker than water'? Well, it's true." Dalton said as he swam past a corpse.

When Dalton got out the other side of the water he couldn't breath. "Aida… Help!" He gasped. The wannabe marine T shirt was shrinking and squeezing him. Dalton ripped it away and read the label. 'Keep away from water'. By the time Dalton had finished angrily stamping on it, it had shrunk to the size of a pea. "So much for Drexler's present."

"Get away from the camera, you space monkey freaks! Leave it alone! I don't know what these things are, but I hate 'em." Miller said with disgust as two Izarians bashed at the camera. Dalton shot them from behind.

As they died, one said to the other "I told you it was a good idea to run after we couldn't destroy his drop ship, but NO! You had to stop because you were camera shy!"

"Oh shut up." The other said, his blue blood painting the room.

-----

Dalton struggled through the complex tirelessly.

"I'm real worried about the next stretch." Miller said, genuinely worried. "The cameras are all covered in Izarian crap, so I can't see if anything's in there. Be careful, OK?"

Someone was coming. Dalton hid behind some crates as a Skaarj ran into the elevator. The elevator slowly went down, with the Skaarj inside.

"He's nicked my elevator!" Dalton yelled, jumping down the lift shaft.

-----

The Skaarj sat in the elevator, listening to the elevator music and tapping his foot impatiently. He needed to check up the Izarians. They were always having custard pie fights and such. Suddenly the elevator stopped. The lights went out one by one. A silent pause.

The Skaarj looked up as someone jumped onto the top of the elevator. He looked like an armoured fiend, barely visible in the darkness. He smashed and hacked at the elevator roof. Fires appeared. The small elevator shook perilously. The Skaarj fell to his knees in horror as the elevator cable broke. He swung his arms over the top of his head.

The elevator stopped at the bottom. The Skaarj opened his eyes. It was quiet again. Smoke poured from the elevator. The Skaarj realised he had wet himself with fear. He walked smartly out of the elevator over to the next room.

"So...? Nothing happened, right, Dalton? That's a relief. Guess I was worried for nothing." A voice said through the one way radio system. Miller obviously hadn't realised that this was Gobbler the fearsome Skaarj (a stupid name, I know) and not Dalton of the TCA.

Gobbler strode forwards where the Izarians were having a custard pie fight. "You lot, stop it!" Gobbler yelled.

"Sorry man, but we can't take a Skaarj who wets himself seriously." The Izarians said, wiping custard out of there eyes.

Back on the top of the lift, Dalton was stuck. When he had set the elevator on fire he had melted the hatch on the top of the elevator's hinges away. Now Dalton could only sit here scratching doodles on the wall while Aida sung folk songs through the radio. "Shut up Aida, do you have to sing folk songs?"

"Yes." Aida said indignantly. "I'm not even broadcasting from the Atlantis anymore, you know that?"

"Then where are you?" Dalton asked.

"Whenever you leave on missions, I leave for my country farm, where I breed Seagoats and Hummers." Aida replied. "Didn't you realise?"

"It would explain all the straw hats in you cabin." Dalton said. Suddenly the floor below him collapsed. The way forwards was no longer blocked. Dalton ran through in a pixie like fashion.


	4. Sanctuary: Gobbler & The Skull

_Onto the next bit of sanctuary…_

-----

Gobbler the Skaarj was no longer visible under a mass of custard pies. This was lucky, because when Dalton killed the troublesome Izarians he couldn't even see Gobbler.

Dalton walked ahead and heard Miller once more on the radio: "The exit is up ahead. I can't track you outside, but I'll pick you up again when you get close to the generator building. See you soon, sir. Bring the relish!"

Dalton proceeded through a large outside area. Behind him Gobbler was pulling himself up, and cleaning away the custard. Dalton ignored a skull on a pole. Dalton made it to a camera.

"You made it! Woohoo! I'm right around the corner. Be right out!"

"No! It's only 45% safe. I haven't cleared the area yet! Damn kid's going to get himself killed. His childhood story with the helicopter was so good!"

Dalton climbed up and saw an Izarian with a custard pie cornering Miller. "You know kid; this pie would hit you more accurately if you stopped squirming." The Izarian said.

A bulky Skaarj stormed onto the walkway. It shoved the Izarian to one side and stared at Miller.

"Give me some space!" Miller whimpered as the Skaarj practically Eskimo-kissed him.

Dalton couldn't watch this. He threw the hamburger relish bottle at the Skaarj. It hit the Skaarj straight in between the eyes and knocked him off the walkway to the generator below.

"THE RELIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH!!" Miller said, jumping into the generator after the relish. Miller had died. The generator went into emergency lockdown.

"Pull out." Aida said.

"Negative!" Dalton replied.

"Your job's done," Aida said, "Fighting Skaarj isn't in the mission profile."

"Do you know how much hamburger relish costs these days?" Dalton ranted. "You think I'm gonna just walk away? Get me down there!"

"It's relish! Probably made out of leftover pigs feet and chicken feathers!" Aida said.

"I'm going, whether you help me or not." Dalton replied.

"Damn... go to the control room and power up the generator. And you'd better hope they kill you. Because if they don't, I will." Aida said through gritted teeth.

Dalton stopped. "Was that a threat?"

"Urgh…" Aida said, banging her head against her table.

"Because if you're threatening me…"

"Shut up and get on with your relish retrieval." Aida said.

-----

Gobbler made his way through the outside area, looking at fallen Skaarj. He came across a skull on a pole.

"Oh, hi, I didn't know you were up here." Gobbler said. "You know, for a skull, you have a surprisingly small amount of flesh left on. And Izarians don't even eat people."

He edged closer, looking casual. "Your bony skull is so shiny." He said. "And I know you're a human's skull, and I'm a Skaarj soldier, but we can put our differences aside…" He grabbed the skull.

-----

Dalton was looking through a door. On the other side a Skaarj was stamping on a human's neck, making blood go everywhere.

"If you won't donate blood, I'll take it from you!" The Skaarj yelled.

"You don't take his blood by stamping on him and getting it all over the door." Another Skaarj said.

Dalton entered the room and shot them both dead with Izarian bolts. He activated the emergency override triggers and a voice started.

"Main terminal online. Foreign object detected in generator. Analyzing... Burger Relish detected. To terminate shutdown and restart generator, press override button."

Dalton pressed the override button and made his way outside. The generator had opened, but inconvenient lasers circled around. Dalton hopped to the bottom optimistically. Unfortunately, one of his Shock Lances was sliced in half on the way down. It was OK; he had collected about 36 others.

When he had got to the bottom, Dalton had to fight the big bulky Skaarj. "Take this!" The Skaarj yelled, spraying Dalton with relish. Luckily Dalton's armour was non-stick, so the relish just slid off. Dalton hosed the Skaarj down with CAR bullets.

Dalton went to the body of Miller. He still had a McDonalds' happy meal. Dalton ate the chips and burger and retrieved the free toy. It was an alien device. Dalton retrieved the card inside the pack saying _Artefacts: 7 to collect!_

"I have a new hobby." Dalton said. "Aida! I have an artefact!"

"I called HQ and they went ape. A speed ship of Marines is on the way to collect it. Get to the surface and hunker down until they get there."

So Dalton went to the surface.

-----

Gobbler was sitting there trying to form the right words. Eventually he did.

"Why didn't you tell me you were the skull of a man before we--"

The rest of his sentence was cut off by a marine ship landing.

Dalton met up with the Marines. "Nice work, Marshal. You shoulda' been a Marine." Kramer said.

"Don't get me started." Dalton replied.

"That the artefact?" Kramer asked. "Doesn't look like much!"

"Must be important to someone, though. Like me! It's my hobby!"

"Okay, we'll take it from here. Take care flying out; the area's still plenty hot."

"You're taking my new hobby?" Dalton exclaimed. "If you'd just let me take it back to the Atlantis, I could skip the next mission!"

"Shut up." Sgt. Kramer said, taking the artefact and flying off.


	5. Swamp: Swamped by Seagoats

_If anyone wants me to write another chapter after this, you will need to find a website with the Unreal2 dialogue so I can alter it for parody requirements. The site I was using has only got dialogue until the swamp._

_Thank you._

-----

"Atlantis calling PeaceKeeper. We're sending you back, John." Aida's voice said over the radio.

"Wassup, Aida?" Dalton said.

"Please, just, don't use that stupid speech." Aida groaned. "Anyway, we've got more trouble down there."

Dalton's ship flew towards the ground. "You know Aida, why is my drop ship called PeaceKeeper? Can't it be called BlingBlaster or something?"

"Dalton, I told you, no gangster speak!" Aida said. "Onto mission briefing…"

Aida took a deep breath. "Your Marine pals were shot down before they reached escape velocity. Their ship crashed in a forest on the far side of the planet. They've still got the artefact."

"I **told** them!" Dalton yelled, punching the windows of the drop ship. "I could skip this whole mission if they would have just given me the damn artefact! But, no! They go and mess it all up. When I get the artefact it's only going to sit and get mouldy on Isaac's desk anyway!"

They've set up a perimeter and will hold position until you arrive." Aida said, ignoring Dalton. "The indigenous creatures shouldn't give you any trouble unless you shoot them, but somebody shot that ship down - and whoever did is probably still around."

-----

Half an hour earlier in the sanctuary swamps…

"So we have decided the mining base is an insubstantial place to put the sanctuary Skaarj nightclub." One Skaarj decided. "Next stop, swamp!"

"Yeah!" said the large crowd of Izarians and Skaarj.

"I hate you now." Gobbler grunted at the skull he had retrieved from the mining place.

So soon, 34 Izarians, 28 Skaarj & 1 skull made their way to the swamp and started construction on a nightclub.

It was built in 20 minutes.

-----

"We can't fly you in there. You'll have to go in on foot. They've lit beacons to guide you to the crash site. Go get the Marines and lead them to a clearing big enough to set the Atlantis down. I'll see you soon." Aida finished, and Dalton got out of his BlingBlaster.

Little orange things that looked like fluorescent ice lollies lined the path. Dalton tried eating one, but he just spat it out again. A small green and blue thing with bright orange eyes ran past Dalton's feet.

"Monster!" Dalton yelled, hurling grenades everywhere. "A giant monster!!"

One of the grenades bounced off the benevolent Seagoat and it called for its friends. Soon Dalton was rolling on the floor with floods of Seagoats over him.

"Dalton you maniac!" Aida yelled, "Do you remember what I said? 'The indigenous creatures shouldn't give you any trouble _unless you shoot them_'!"

Dalton batted the Seagoats away with a branch. More came. Dalton ended running over to the Marine crash site followed by a tidal wave of Seagoats.

Luckily they couldn't get through the perimeters.

Kramer addressed Dalton. "Glad you could drop by, Marshal."

"Who was it? Izarians?" Dalton asked.

"Not quite." Kramer sighed, shaking his head.

-----

The Nightclub was in full swing.

"I REALLY HATE YOU!" Gobbler said, throwing the skull into the air. It breached the hull of the escaping marine speed ship, which crashed on the nightclub. "Oops." Gobbler said. He quickly ran away as all the Skaarj and Izarians chased him.

-----

"So not Izarians I take it." Dalton said.

"Did you get the (_my_) artefact?" Dalton said.

"Dug it out of the wreckage. Not a scratch on it." Kramer said.

Dalton snatched it from Kramer. "Did everyone make it?"

"All three of us. Ready for action." Kramer said.

_All the more people to steal my artefact!_ Dalton thought.

"We need to scout out a clearing." Dalton said.

"Way ahead of you." Kramer said nodding. "There's a spot about 2 clicks away. Perfect for a drop ship."

"There's not gonna' be a drop ship." Dalton said.

"What?!?" Kramer exclaimed.

"Goin' deaf on me, soldier, you know what I'm sayin'?" Dalton said.

"No gangster speak." Aida said on the radio.

"If I was going deaf on you, Marshall, I WOULDN'T know what you were saying." Kramer said, pointing his finger in Dalton's face.

"Good point!" Another marine said, shoving Dalton.

Dalton grabbed the marine and threw him into the swarm of Seagoats. "Not the Seagoats, NO, NOOOOOOOO!!!"

The Seagoats were satisfied, and they ran off with the marine.

"We're bringing the Atlantis down." Dalton said.

"You mean you're going to crash it??!?" Kramer said.

"No, I mean we're going to be picked up in it!" Dalton yelled.

"Holy sh... Can you do that?" Kramer asked.

"Technically no, but it's a Thursday so I'll let it go." Dalton asked.

"What's so special about Thursdays?" another marine, Binelli, said.

"…………" Dalton replied. "I don't know."

Careful of Seagoats, Dalton and the marines found a decent clearing. Kramer crouched down and a beacon appeared out of nothing at his feet.

"I'll be there in six minutes." Aida said. "Five to get there and another one to get back from my country farm."

Dalton did nothing. He just let the marines do all the hard work, and six minutes later he was back in the TCA Atlantis.

-----

"I'm sorry I threw you at that speed ship!" Gobbler sobbed in the wreck of the marine ship and nightclub. Where was that skull?

"I hate you!" The skull said, floating through the air. "I am now a Sargasso."

"This makes a change of events." Gobbler quietly said as the Sargasso savaged him.

-----

_Sargassoes are floating skulls from Devil May Cry and are owned by Capcom._


	6. Atlantis: Go To Hell

_After a pause, I continue with the next chapter…_

-----

Dalton didn't know what was going on. He should have started off in the shuttle bay, but no, his ship docked with the TCA Atlantis & he appeared on the bridge with Ne'ban.

"Greetings!" The glowing blue blob-of-a-pilot Ne'ban said.

"Uh hi." Dalton said, thinking of something to say in this unexpected conversation. "Great piece of flying back there."

"It is a manoeuvre I have practicing many times." Ne'ban said proudly.

"Docking with the marine ship didn't look easy either." Dalton said.

"It was an honour to unite those sexy men with their fighting unit." Ne'ban said.

"Your not…" Dalton started, but shook his head & thought he must have misheard. "Course plotted?"

"Yes." Ne'ban said, "A place called hell. At least Aida told me to go to hell, so that is my plan."

"Right. Se you later." Dalton said.

"Tell me, is this the same Aida as the Aida from the strider wars?" Ne'ban asked.

"Yes, although she doesn't like to be reminded of it."

"She must have been very young."

"Yes, she was." Dalton replied.

"An embryo sort of young?"

"Too far back you crackpot blue-goo."

"Why is she not a general in your army?" Ne'ban asked.

"What do you think I am?! A frequently asked questions section?!" Dalton said, & stormed out.

Lazy Isaac was too busy playing ping pong to give a weapons load out so Dalton went for his mission briefing.

"We're going to hell because Ne'ban took my insult the wrong way. Don't get Axon angry. Have fun."

Dalton shrugged & flew off to the frozen moon called hell.


	7. Hell: Pink Library Card

Aida booted Dalton up the ass to make him fall from the ship & land face first in a heap of snow.

He climbed around the chilly icy hills for some time, bouncing on the native millipede slug things, pausing only to put one in his mouth.

"Tastes as stringy as the last 3 did." Dalton said, spitting it out again. "But I have to eat it, or I'll die of starvation in these desolate snowy canyons…"

"Go into the Axon base you moron!" Aida yelled.

"Oh!" Dalton said, surprised. "I didn't notice that there."

He climbed back to the start of the bridge that went into the Axon base. Slowly he crept across it. He saw a figure lying in the middle of the bridge. It looked like a giant scaly puppy. Keeping to one side of the bridge he passed around the snoozing figure.

It woke up.

Dalton yelped in fear & ran for the other end of the bridge as fast as his legs could carry him. He nearly outrun the beast, but as he was about to go inside he smacked his head on a sign saying _Beware of the Dog!_ & was knocked over backwards.

The dog jumped up & chewed his nose off, & ran away again.

Dalton shrugged & went onto the lift that led down into the Axon base.

"Please have your green identification badge on display at all times." The computer said.

"Aida, did you remember to pack my green identification badge?"

"Yep," Aida replied, "should be right next to your pink library card, orange fairground ticket, purple dentist's sticker…"

"OK, OK!" Dalton said, "I get the picture! You need to hack the security! Take, you time, I could be on this elevator until next week."

-----

**---One week later---**

Dalton was scratching the mark for his seventh day there on the elevator floor.

He also scratched noughts & crosses & had discovered a way to make gravity stop for a while. He didn't want to use it until extreme measures had to be taken though.

The elevator suddenly stopped. Dalton got out, & walked up the corridor ahead. Force fields sprung up either side of him.

"Uh, guys?" He asked.

"Hold on." Aida replied.

"Remain motionless for a weapon scan." The computer said.

Bleepy bleepy bleepy.

"Weapons detected." The computer paused. "30 seconds."

"Until what?" Dalton said.

"We kill you for using weapons."

"Was that a threat?" Dalton said quietly.

"Oh yes."

"Alright then." Dalton said, tapping his foot thoughtfully.

"12 seconds."

"They really don't like guns…" Dalton said nervously.

"Any time your ready Aida!!" Dalton said, panicking.

"10 seconds. Defence guns online." Machine guns popped up from previously innocent looking barrels.

"Ok!!!!" Dalton yelled, throwing all his guns to the floor. "I give up!"

"It's not the point." The computer said crossly. "This is all just a matter of principle! I need to kill you anyway to teach you a lesson."

The guns prepared themselves to shoot.

"THOSE REALLY LOOK PAINFUL AIDA!!!" Dalton yelled in hysterics, trying to climb up the walls & the force fields & the floor all at the same time.

"Got it!" Aida said, deactivating the force fields & turrets.

After a while, Dalton said "So… Did you have it all along, or do you just like making me sweat?"

"Go to hell, Dalton."

"Already there, toots." Dalton said, strolling off.

"Stop being so cheeky." Aida said.

"You nearly got me killed." Dalton pointed out.

"No, I saved your ass."

"& you kicked it a while ago sending me face first into some snow!" Dalton yelled.

"Do you want me to come down there & slap you?" Aida said.

"I'd like to see you try." Dalton said. "You're on that silly little farm riding ponies I bet!"

"Turn around, Dalton." Aida said dangerously.

So Dalton turned around & there was Aida, straw hat on head, milking a Nali Cow with one hand while slapping Dalton continuously with the other. & then she left again.

"I hope that teaches you a lesson." She said.

Dalton slouched off, staring blankly.


	8. Hell: Smell Of Victory

Dalton walked up to the railings. He saw a XLarge-Office 2500 Class Barbacue next to a large desk, both objects a raging inferno. He leaned on the railings and took an experimental yet proffesional sniff, looking for clues.

"Smoky... Barbacue like..." Dalton said. "Maybe another sniff."

Dalton took another sniff, longer this time. "Ah, you gotta love that smell."

He leant against the railings, smelling the air in long deep gasps, eyes unfocused, mouth slightly open. "...Ummm, barbacue... Beef... Pork chops... spare ribs... Bacon..." He gripped the railings, smelling deeply.

"John..." Aida asked warily.

"Beef, Aida... Barbacued BEEF..." John said, drooling.

"John, you've been standing there for 10 minutes." Aida didn't get a reply to that. "If you keep standing there, I'll come down there again and move you myself."

That was enough for Dalton. He stood straight as a brand new greek pillar and marched to the elevator. He descended and approached the fire.

He breathed it in. Suddenly his eyes went out of focus and he fell to his knees.

"Dalton, do you even know what that is that you're SMELLING?!" Aida yelled.

Dalton saw three dead humans and a dead Kai roasting slowly. He let out a high-pitched scream that shattered glass screened computer monitors nearby. He walked slowly up to the fire, holding his breath. He poked a human corpse. It was warm, but did nothing. He shuffled sideways and poked the Kai. It was warmer but did even less. He had a sudden thought. It wouldn't really be cannibalism...

Dalton tore an arm of the Kai and smelt it. Roasted to just the right level. As it approached his mouth, Aida butted in and ruined the moment.

"John, Kai are sentient lifeforms." Aida growled. Dalton yelped and dropped the arm, wiping his hand on his Wannabe Marine T-Shirt. (How did that get here? He'd discarded it...)

"Bu- But how?" Dalton whimpered. "They don't speak."

"They do, but not in any language you understand, you mono-tongued simpleton." Aida said.

"Hey! I speak whale!" Dalton said indignantly, wiping his hand on his T-shirt even more persistently. "I'll show you some of it..."

"No thanks!" Aida said quickly. "And did you know that you're wiping the Kai's hand on that T-Shirt?"

Dalton stopped his wiping and looked down. He was wiping the dismembered and barbacued Kai arm against his T-Shirt. He screamed again.

-----

Dalton walked into the medical lounge. He grabbed a dead body off one bed and leant him against his bed in a heroic Greek statue pose. Dalton giggled.

_(Hey... Why all the Greek references?)_

The next man he came across was alive slightly, which Dalton only noticed after he poked him and the man groaned, causing Dalton to swear and fly across the room. He creeped back to him. Poking a few buttons on the control panel, a purple light washed over the patient. he was hit with 40,000 volts of electricity, which Dalton shared, as he was poking the patient at the time.

"I'm alive!" The patient yelled.

"My hairs are standing on end!" Dalton yelled back.

"Hey, you like yelling as well?" The patient asked incredulously.

"Hell yeah! I'm Dalton." He shook the patient's hand. "Let's be playmates!"

"I'm Jensen. Let's not." The patient replied.

They both sat there, roaring with laughter, poking buttons on the panel, taking it in turns to be electrocuted, seeing whose hair could stand further on end.

Eventually they stopped, and became proffesional. "Where is everybody?" Dalton asked.

"Dead! They're all dead!" Jensen cried sadly.

"Can you walk?" Dalton asked.

Janson poked his knees. "I think so."

"Now you can't." Dalton said, blowing both of Jensen's legs off with his shotgun. Dalton took his key card.

"NOOO!" Jensen yelled. "We were to be playmates, PLAYMATES!"

He didn't shut up until Dalton rammed the cooked Kai's arm into his mouth.

-----

Using the keycard he had taken from Jensen, Dalton accessed a DJ recording booth on the next floor up.

"They had EVERYTHING at this party!" Dalton gasped in awe. He found a message recorded on one of the pieces of equipment and managed to find the play button.

"HELP!" A voice yelled out in a voice made grainy from the dodgy speakers. "Terry experimentally put his Happy Meal into the barbacue and it irradiated the collectible artefact! The mutation made Terry's pets grow massive and evil!"

"So here is my next collectible artefact." Dalton said, boldly striding into the next corridor. The ceiling exploded and a giant spider, as big as him, attacked. Lots of smaller ones, the size of Dalton's hand ran around aimlessly at his feet.

"Dis 'aint wicked!" Dalton yelled.

"No gangster speak." Came the predictable reply.

Dalton rolled James-Bond-Style three times in a row and grabbed a flamethrower. He proceeded to roll James-Bond-Style to avoid his prey, then did another roll at them, pulling the trigger and burning them.

"Seriously, stop doing that roll now." Aida demanded.

"It's the only acrobatic move I know!" Dalton said defensively.

"Go take acrobatics lessons." Aida said.

"Maybe some time." Dalton said, rolling James-Bond-Style round the extra big spider.


End file.
